Every trans media piece, ever

Kent Host: Hi, and welcome. Today, we’re discussing transgenderismology. We’ve got our experts, Miranda Nimby from Concerned Mums Who Have Never Met A Trans Person, and Professor Doctor Barry Scienceman (area of expertise: Astrophysics).

Miranda: Thanks, Kent,

Barry: Great to be here.

Kent Host: So, Miranda, why don’t you start by outlining your concerns?

Miranda: Well, Kent, I just think that all these things are moving too fast. When I was a child, I loved reading about George in the Famous Five. But did you know that if George existed today, she would be forcibly bundled off to a Gender Reassignment Camp, force-fed hormones, sterilised, have a beard superglued to her face, and then indoctrinated into the patriarchy?

Kent Host: Wow, that sounds dreadful. Barry, what’s your perspective?

Barry: Well, as an astrophysicist, this isn’t really a subject I’m qualified to comment on. But if I were to wildly speculate, I would assume that this is the end of civilisation as we know it, and a probable contributor to the heat death of the universe.

Kent Host: So if I understand you correctly, the existence of trans people could be the end of life on Earth?

Miranda: Absolutely.

Barry: That is a very strong possibility.

Kent: Fascinating. Now, on line one I have Katie from Basingstoke, who is currently supporting her child with gender identity issues.

Katie: Hi, Kent. I just want to say that this all seems a bit over-dramatic. My ten year-old daughter Beth has been absolutely clear for several years now that she sees herself as a girl. She’s well-adjusted at school, and all her friends and teachers are really supportive. We’ve spoken to our GP, and to a local adolescent counsellor. We’ve been on a waiting list for specialist gender identity support for nine months now, and we’re expecting that even when we get to the end of that, we’ll probably have to have a lot of family therapy. Hopefully, all being well, Beth may be offered blockers while she thinks things through, though we know there won’t be any substantial hormonal interventions until she’s sixteen. I don’t feel we’re being rushed into anything – on the contrary, the process seems pretty slow, and that’s making things harder for Beth. Really, what we’d like is more support, and perhaps a bit more flexibility in healthcare.

Barry: Disgraceful.

Miranda: Have you got Katie’s details there? I’m going to report her to social services.

Kent: Now, now. Katie, aren’t you concerned that you’re horrendously ruining your son’s life?

Katie: I am quite sure that my daughter Beth’s life is improved by knowing her parents love her. She’s been so much happier since we told her that we love her just as she is.

Barry: (tuts)

Miranda: It is quite clear that Katie is forcing some kind of agenda on her child. Probably she is refusing to accept that her child is a gay male.

Katie: Beth is only ten, so I think it’s a bit early to reach any definite conclusions about sexuality. And I have lots of gay friends and family members. I’d have no problem with a gay son – but Beth has been saying for years she is a girl. To be honest, I think the indications are more likely Beth is a lesbian – but that’s completely up to her. As I say, we’ll love her no matter what.

Miranda: Boys can like dolls too.

Katie: Yes, I know that. But Beth doesn’t like dolls. She’s a girl who likes football and science.

Miranda: Ah! Stereotypically male interests.

Katie: What? That’s completely inconsistent with what you already said…

Kent Host: I’m afraid we have no more time for this. Over to line 2, where Sarah wants to talk about her story.

Sarah: Hi, yes. I’m not trans. I’ve never thought I was trans. But I was depressed in my teens, so I decided to buy testosterone online, without any medical advice, and self-inject it. Now I think this was really stupid, and I regret it.

Kent Host: So would you say that this definitely means that trans teens should be denied any access to expert medical advice or support, Sarah?

Sarah: Absolutely! My own experience of illegally procuring inappropriate medicine through black market online sites, as someone who never thought she was trans, definitely means that all trans young people in contact with legitimate medical services should be entirely denied medical care.

Miranda: Couldn’t agree more.

Barry: Sounds about right to me.

Kent: I think there are some powerful narratives coming through here. Any final reflections?

Miranda: Well, I think this all goes to show that trans people are dangerous lunatics, who should be entirely denied any kind of social rights or recognition.

Barry: “Dangerous lunatics” is perhaps a strong phrase, but I would tend to agree that much more research is required to establish the exact mental illness which trans people have, and come up with a way of forcing them to meet repressive social norms.

(Trans caller on line 6: Hi, I’m actually trans. Am I allowed to express my views on my own identity and experiences?
Researcher: No. Please clear the line so we can talk to some religious crank who’s making it up as he goes along.)

Kent Host: Well, I hope you’ve valued this important balanced debate, which has comprehensively covered all the issues regarding trans people in society. (Cheerful jingle as programme fades out).